MicroSoft Secrets

• A computer without Windows is like a fish without joggers.
  
• I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
  
• I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
  
• There's a very nice thing about Windows -- It doesn't just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
  

I got some feedback that this page is too long (and let's face it, Microsoft makes sure there's plenty of material to include). So seeing I'm basically a lazy sod, it's easier to include an index than split it into separate pages. Here goes:

• It was recently revealed that some of the source code for Windows95 has been leaked, and is now appearing on several places on the internet. Included below is some of this code:
  
  Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
  Project: Version - Windows 95
  
  Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
  
  #include <nonsense.h>
  #include <lies.h>
  #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
  #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
  
  #define say(x) lie(x)
  #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
  #define next_year soon
  #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
  
  void main()
  {
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  {
  if (there_are_still_bugs)
  market(bugfix);
  if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
  raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
  make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
  if (rumours_grow_wilder)
  make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
  if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
  {
  market_time=ripe;
  say("It will be ready in one month);
  order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
  order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
  order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  vapourware=TRUE;
  break;
  }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
  case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
  say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
  break;
  case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
  say("Yes it will work");
  ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
  pretend(there_is_no_problem);
  break;
  case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
  say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
  " the 32 bits architecture");
  inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
  inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
  "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
  inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
  get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
  break;
  case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
  say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
  register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
  when(time_is_ripe)
  {
  arrest(journalist);
  brainwash(journalist);
  when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
  {
  order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
  release (journalist);
  }
  }
  break;
  }
  while (vapourware)
  {
  introduction_date++; /* Delay */
  if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
  break;
  say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
  bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
  release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
  introduce(more_memory_requirements);
  if (customers_report_installation_problems)
  {
  say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
  if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
  {
  ignore(customer);
  order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
  }
  }
  if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
  {
  divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
  wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
  marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  if (boobies_start_to_hang)
  
  dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  }
  if (there_is_another_company)
  {
  steal(their_ideas);
  accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
  hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
  buy_out(other_company); /* make mental note: check out Apple stock price */
  }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
  }
  
  
  void bugfix(void)
  {
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
  say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
  ignore(customer);
  register(customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
  }
  
  Cautionary Note: Do NOT attempt to compile or link the above code on a non-MS platform.
  
  Back to Page Index
  

  ---

  
  

• Windows 95 Upgrade Source Code
  
  
  #include <windows.h>
  #include <system_errors.h>
  #include <stdlib.h>
  
  char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
  
  main()
  {
  if (detect_cache())
  disable_cache();
  
  if (fast_cpu())
  set_wait_states(lots);
  
  set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
  set_mouse(action, jumpy);
  set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
  
  printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right or just call it Chicago)\n");
  
  if (system_ok())
  crash(to_dos_prompt);
  else
  system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
  
  while(1) {
  sleep(5);
  get_user_input();
  sleep(5);
  act_on_user_input();
  sleep(5);
  if (rand() < 0.9)
  crash(complete_system);
  }
  return(unrecoverable_system);
  }
  

• WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.
  
  WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.
  
  WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.
  
  WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.
  
  WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.
  
  WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.
  
  WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.
  
  WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.
  
  WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened.
  
  WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.
  
  WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.
  
  WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
  
  WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.
  
  WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.
  
  WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.
  
  WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.
  
  WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
  
  WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
  
  WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
  
  WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
  
  WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
  
  WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
  
  WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
  
  WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
  
  WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
  
  WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
  
  WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
  
  WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  
  WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
  
  WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  
  WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
  
  WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes.
  
  WniErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, I'm not lying, your monitor is wrong.
  
  WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?
  
  WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell me again.
  
  WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in perfect condition (I just formatted it), I don't like it any more.
  
  WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimised, so I had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.
  
  WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or your computer gets screwed.
  
  Winerr: 294b BlackMail Error - $500 to Gates or I'll show your wife the JPG's you just downloaded.
  
  Back to Page Index
  

  ---

  
  

• Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
  
  
  • GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
    
  • $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
    
  • ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
    
  • MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
    
  • FUD key--Self explanatory.
    
  • Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
    
  • IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.